A week prior to Christmas.

Largely, this entry is down to procrastination over work. But there are some issues I'd like to air. One being that this time next week it's the dreaded holiday that I wish never happened, ever. It sounds like THEBITCH is coming one day/night earlier than the rest of them which leaves a bitter, anxious feeling inside me swirling all over my insides. God knows why we're even having Christmas here again this year, it's stressing everyone out in the house. My mother has kindly asked most people to get me iTunes/clothes vouchers so hopefully there are no two presents the same 'cause that would just be awkward. Lately I have been listening to a lot of music, some nostalgic, a lot new & it really brightens my day to be honest. Without music, movies, TV shows and work, my life wouldn't be much at all. There is an emptiness within me, deeply buried and bruised. A longing for him, a desperation, a silence that burts rarely; but when it does, it's like a humongous flood. I just wish I could hear his voice one last time & record those kind affections. I need his charm and lust. I need that guy who believed in me when not even I could. I need someone here for me, through thick and thin. This time last year he was an honest saviour. I wish I didn't deeply love him, but where is he now? Why can I no longer contact him? It hurts. It hurts more than anyone can imagine. Please, please hear me dear.

Well, it was a clear night last night. I could see stars and constellations, spent ages trying to take decent pictures and changing the ISO level, but in the end only got a handful of good ones. Then this morning I awoke to the harsh low winter sun, and about several inches of snow and I was like ugh, don't wanna get out of bed and the sound of my parent's arguing. It's like I never left. I just wish I had one person in my life that didn't abandon, neglect or change their minds. I want somebody. Why do I always have to be in it alone? Largely, most people have families or friends or drink or sex etc. I want something constant and stable, preferably love. But then, I guess I can't be loved.

I guess it's time to try and be productive again, or procrastinate some more..