Black and Gold;

A new year filled with hope;

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

oh the river, oh the river;

Shake off the chains and throw them away.

I am content. I am relieved. I am better and there is finally a smile on my face. Yesterday, some truth was found & in finding out that my views are the same as others' I am no longer feeling unsupported or alone. Yes, I still have many personal issues to work on; one of them being tackling my fear head on. However, it's all more clear to me and I feel accomplished. Especially since I thought I'd lost myself completely. I know I am still here, still alive. The only difference is, is that I survived. THEBITCH is defeated in my mind, no one really likes her; no one really wants to be around her. That's why she was trying to butter up my cousins. They headed back down south last night, and a long conversation ensued once they had gone. I can relate to the black sheep feeling, and I know that I have to push myself forwards so I can too get away from all of this. They're all fighting over money, bitchyness, harsh reality. Apparently uncle T stood up to THEBITCH over her bitching about me once, meaning she finally shut up and backed off. It's funny because all of us have come to the same conclusion of her on our own. She relies on her partner's opinions and she can't think for herself. Mum says if she says anything negative to her though, she ends up not talking to her for months. I'd say that's a great thing to happen though. I miss my youngest cousin though, he's the soul and body of this family. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have felt this comfortable all of the holidays. I just fit right in mostly, and I owe it to him for keeping us together. My other aunt and uncle just left, and it feels crappy. They are such nice people, though. Standing up for me and stuff. I know I can go to them if I need to. The rest, well.. eh.

Anycase, lots of work to finish. Lots of things to watch and do. Better commence with some.

Time passes by, time by passes by so suddenly.

It's cyclical, spherical, indefinite, crumbling. Everything seems warm and inviting, but it's only a mask of the depth of the treacherous abyss. I want everything to feel better, not only just on the surface but in my heart too. I long for the day when I'll feel okay. Content. There's a word I haven't used in a long while. I miss him, but then I realised today he is also alone judging by the subscription on his facebook of a woman in a wheelchair. I'm just leaving room for hope, beyond hope, that he returns soon enough. In the meantime, I'm taking risks, learning, quickly evolving into someone more confident. A little better on the outside at least. I can converse with ease, and deal with those dreaded situations a little better. I've avoided the demons, except at 4am; but then, there are always going to be periods of unrest. I steered clear of the conflicts, just sat and listened. Having had a headache all day yesterday (probably from dehydration,) I'd say I'm better for wear overall. A better feeling, yet not quite contentment. I hope it follows.

Forget December, it won't be better.

It feels like there is nothing I can do; I'm stuck in an endless grave, trying to claw my way out is no use. I don't want to be alone in the graveyard, I don't want to be stuck any longer. Fighting for air, fighting against the mounds of dirt and worms and decaying faeces. I wish to fly away, even if only when i'm out unconcious from exhaustion or maybe through hallucination. I want to see the world again, it has been far too long. The mountains and breathtaking landscapes are waiting for me out there, somewhere. Clear, calm nights & long, warm days. Hope feels lost except when thinking of escape in faraway places, that's where all my hope lies. But in the present, it's endless darkness or harsh blinding light. Unhelpful and demeaning and inverted. The silence at night is the only thing that keeps me company. Days filled by trying not to think too much about it all.

When will this life end?

You da one that I think about all day, you da one I think about always.

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.

I wish my moods wouldn't rise and fall so quickly; my world turns from pleasant to black in the matter of seconds. Like Jenny Lewis sings, The lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap. And all I can see is darkness. An infinite, starless night. And I wish to god I could tell him, I do, but I.. I can think of a hundred reasons not to. "He's busy" or "he'll get worried" or "I'd be bothering him". He says he accepts me, flaws and all, but there's only so much he can take. I flip so easily. I turn on myself; self destruct. I fall. And everything hurts, and there's nothing anyone can do to make it better. I fall, and then I dig myself deeper and deeper, and I feel like maybe one of these days I'll fall out of a hole at the opposite corner of the world. And there's nothing I can do about it.

(And then Dallas sings that the blackness in my heart is a storm I can weather, and I curl up underneath my blankets, and cry myself to sleep.)

A week prior to Christmas.

Largely, this entry is down to procrastination over work. But there are some issues I'd like to air. One being that this time next week it's the dreaded holiday that I wish never happened, ever. It sounds like THEBITCH is coming one day/night earlier than the rest of them which leaves a bitter, anxious feeling inside me swirling all over my insides. God knows why we're even having Christmas here again this year, it's stressing everyone out in the house. My mother has kindly asked most people to get me iTunes/clothes vouchers so hopefully there are no two presents the same 'cause that would just be awkward. Lately I have been listening to a lot of music, some nostalgic, a lot new & it really brightens my day to be honest. Without music, movies, TV shows and work, my life wouldn't be much at all. There is an emptiness within me, deeply buried and bruised. A longing for him, a desperation, a silence that burts rarely; but when it does, it's like a humongous flood. I just wish I could hear his voice one last time & record those kind affections. I need his charm and lust. I need that guy who believed in me when not even I could. I need someone here for me, through thick and thin. This time last year he was an honest saviour. I wish I didn't deeply love him, but where is he now? Why can I no longer contact him? It hurts. It hurts more than anyone can imagine. Please, please hear me dear.

Well, it was a clear night last night. I could see stars and constellations, spent ages trying to take decent pictures and changing the ISO level, but in the end only got a handful of good ones. Then this morning I awoke to the harsh low winter sun, and about several inches of snow and I was like ugh, don't wanna get out of bed and the sound of my parent's arguing. It's like I never left. I just wish I had one person in my life that didn't abandon, neglect or change their minds. I want somebody. Why do I always have to be in it alone? Largely, most people have families or friends or drink or sex etc. I want something constant and stable, preferably love. But then, I guess I can't be loved.

I guess it's time to try and be productive again, or procrastinate some more..