Fuck V-day, it's just another day.

Kinda drunk. Current thoughts: “I can’t feel my face" and something like “haven’t heard from him which must mean that he actually really doesn’t care.. at all.”

You write "there's 'her' and then there's everyone else", and it brings tears to my eyes, makes me nauseous, and my heart flutters. And I think, why? Why do you get to me when no one else does? Why do I even think you're referring to me? WHY? It makes me sick, and I wish this would just stop, I hate you but I love you but I hate you but I love you but I hate you but I need you. You drive me fucking insane, and I hate that you're right, that you will always be right, and I am still your hostage, will always be, can never escape these chains. You came back, and I left. I ditched you because I can't handle rejection, I can't handle these feelings, I can't handle shit. It scares me to fucking death. I left you, and still I feel like you gave up on me. Everything is a contradiction, and I can't make heads or tails of anything.

"But you still feel me like I'm right there at your side."

You told me I was the most difficult woman you ever met.

Fuck.

Birdsong.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I read this book. I'm glad it's on the BBC now.

Hustle.

It's supposed to snow again, I wish you were here to snuggle with.

I know I wanna run away, if only I could run away.

I'm giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don't know how much you
Screwed it up
You never listened
That's just too bad
Because I'm moving on
I won't forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don't patronize me

Gotta get away
There's no point in thinking about yesterday
It's too late now
It won't ever be the same

Lately I've been dreaming of being left behind--betrayed, abandoned, or simply just forgotten. I am easily forgettable. He hasn't been around lately; I'm alternating between hating him and needing him. Mostly I stay curled up in bed, crying and hitting the wall. My hand is covered in reds and blues and yellows and it's beautiful. I've also taken to smoking in my room again.. if mother finds out, she'll be furious. I burn incense to hide it. (I just want to escape.)

Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.

The Reader.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

I'm in love with a dying man.

He's fading from my thoughts, my dreams, my hope. He takes them all with him and nothing but a whisper in the night of his ghostly body remains. He's encaptured my heart for eternity, taken it with him and only he knows the secret it in his possession and how to unleash it back to me.

I need to be free from him completely, but I desire to be among him always. I want the closeness, the care that he gave me. I need to hear his soft, deep voice once more. I need to remember the bad aswell as the good. I want to make passionate love to him, intense, deep, unfaltering. He can see my soul through my bones and my skin is torn as is his where I bite him.

Passionate. Caring. Giving. Needing. Wanting. Lusting.
But everyone knows you can't know and love a ghost.

Lolyta.

“That was the thing about words, they were clear and specific. But when you talked about feelings, words were too stiff, they were this and not that, they couldn’t include all the meanings. In defining, they always left something out.”

—	Janet Fitch, White Oleander

Currently craving chocolate cake.

and these are all too accurate to my life.

I swear this is happening to me.

you can breathe, you can breathe now. you can breathe but the air is running out.

1/08/12

I just want to die.

So I was ready to head back to university, and I discovered I couldn’t find my keys. Searched the house and everywhere I’ve been, yet I know they could have only been in the house. My stuff gets moved constantly because my mother has OCD and needs to control her perfect world, yet there have been others here over Christmas and New Year’s (some of which are currently on a plane to the East.) I really have no clue how they could be lost. And I feel like crying :( I’ve got two days before my exam, I was going to waste this half day in traveling, but now I’ve got to waste it in worrying. My landlord says to call him at 3, so I guess I need to wait..

I’m starving and cold, and need to attempt some study as I haven’t done any truly for my exam.

I just wish I could calm down :(

So.. I feel like a failure.

I phoned my landlord and because he lives far away, he can only make it on Tuesday evening to get some more keys cut for me. My exam is on Wednesday at 9 & I’ll need to get up at like 7. It’s all very stressful & and worrying. Even though I could leave my stuff downstairs because one of my housemates could let me in, and sleep at a friends house, it’s not the right environment to be studying in. I’d rather do it here.

I just hope I don’t fail this exam now :(

you can breathe, you can breathe now. you can breathe but the air is running out.

Last one of these, I promise.

After some complicated dealings, it seems that my landlord is leaving the new cut keys in my room and one of my housemates will let me in on Tuesday evening at around 8pm. I still feel all anxious since I thought things would be sorted by tomorrow (turns out my landlord can’t do tomorrow.) I just wish I could be back already, and calm down already. I need to breathe and do more studying.

ARGH!!!

I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die.




please.

Holiday from real.

The Holiday (2006.) Brilliant.


The Four Musketeers!



I want this tent, NOW.

It's not the curse, it's the power you give the curse.

Always remember, never forget.

Where is your mind?

Clearly i'm not all here.
FOCUS.

I NEED TO FOCUS.

Please, just do this for yourself.
You are worthy of success.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

Salvation will come, you will not be alone;

Watching Pat's death on 'Enders screamed out to me; you don't want to die alone like that. In the end, she had no romance, ungrateful people around her and broken relationships. The mending hearts with Janine was touching. I sometimes feel I am closing my heart, closing up and protecting myself. Often I believe I won't be good, yet others see that I can be. Self-loathing never gets you anywhere. So I shall too change, in the hopes of breaking the barriers and becoming lighter and happier.

You have so much to give in this world;

I miss you, and I want to thank you for believing in me even when I couldn't believe in myself. You saw my self-hatred and yet you never loathed me. You believed in me always, you tried to make me see. But self-destruction was always my path - and I truly wish you'd been able to de-rail me off that track. You are so amazing and so kind, and I hope our paths may cross again. I wonder if you're out there, truly happy with someone else. Or whether you wish things to be better, wondering about me on occasion. I wonder if; when you're alone at night, I am on your mind. I hope you pray for me. I hope you think of me. I wish you'd say you do. I want to tell you I will love you always, and cherish the time we had together. I wish you'd say the same.