Fuck V-day, it's just another day.

Kinda drunk. Current thoughts: “I can’t feel my face" and something like “haven’t heard from him which must mean that he actually really doesn’t care.. at all.”

You write "there's 'her' and then there's everyone else", and it brings tears to my eyes, makes me nauseous, and my heart flutters. And I think, why? Why do you get to me when no one else does? Why do I even think you're referring to me? WHY? It makes me sick, and I wish this would just stop, I hate you but I love you but I hate you but I love you but I hate you but I need you. You drive me fucking insane, and I hate that you're right, that you will always be right, and I am still your hostage, will always be, can never escape these chains. You came back, and I left. I ditched you because I can't handle rejection, I can't handle these feelings, I can't handle shit. It scares me to fucking death. I left you, and still I feel like you gave up on me. Everything is a contradiction, and I can't make heads or tails of anything.

"But you still feel me like I'm right there at your side."

You told me I was the most difficult woman you ever met.

Fuck.

Birdsong.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I read this book. I'm glad it's on the BBC now.

Hustle.

It's supposed to snow again, I wish you were here to snuggle with.

I know I wanna run away, if only I could run away.

I'm giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don't know how much you
Screwed it up
You never listened
That's just too bad
Because I'm moving on
I won't forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don't patronize me

Gotta get away
There's no point in thinking about yesterday
It's too late now
It won't ever be the same

Lately I've been dreaming of being left behind--betrayed, abandoned, or simply just forgotten. I am easily forgettable. He hasn't been around lately; I'm alternating between hating him and needing him. Mostly I stay curled up in bed, crying and hitting the wall. My hand is covered in reds and blues and yellows and it's beautiful. I've also taken to smoking in my room again.. if mother finds out, she'll be furious. I burn incense to hide it. (I just want to escape.)

Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.

The Reader.